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How You May Have Orchestrated Your Own Divorce

Do you remember how, when you were a youngster, you knew that you could definitely do a much better job at being a married partner, a better job at being a parent than they did? We knew that we could certainly improve on their methods, right? We might have even accomplished this for a few years until divorce breathed it's humiliating dragon's breath down our throats and made us choke on our dreams of perfection.

Things didn't turn out quite the way we had envisioned. All those little things that we never thought about at all in fact were so much a part of our 'perfect plan'. He could be totally handsome, once one of our main must-haves. She could be a total fox, another imperative. But when we married him or her, there were just so many things we did not take into consideration: their annoying little habits, their mystifying flaws. Our perfect schemes glossed over these little details.

And after the divorce hits us, we have to ask ourselves: "Did I see this in him/her before our wedding?" Let's look at a tough example. You probably were a wonderful wife and excelled in that part but maybe your mate simply couldn't see it and thus, couldn't be complimentary about it. And you're thinking, how was I responsible for our divorce? My question to you would be, "Whatever flaws your ex had, was there any sign of them before you got married? Or before you had children? Was there anything you consciously or unconsciously ignored or blinded yourself to?" Your responsibility may be nothing more than the fact that you knew he was selfish but you married him anyway. Sometimes, very simple decisions or the failure to make a decision can cause very harsh consequences. But again, that's the way the world is. It can happen again, so aren't you better off understanding that your subtle decision to ignore his faults had a profound impact on your life? If you understand that, if you take responsibility for that piece of it, then you won't make that mistake again.

This is a lesson that applies to everything that makes you unhappy in your life, whether it's your boss, your lover or your children. Don't do what everyone else does which is to blame the other person or the situation. In lieu of blaming, ask yourself what your position was in all of this? How am I causing this or contributing to this. Please try to focus on the fact that this is not about who's wrong; it's really more about consequences.

When you get this, it's a wonderful tool for your life because it allows you to solve your problems. This isn't about fault; it's really more about self-discovery. The more you know about yourself and the reasons for your actions and your motivation, the more satisfying and fulfilling your life becomes because you're no longer operating on automatic pilot.

Can you be responsible about the role you played. Because, if you are responsible about how you contributed, it will touch other spaces in your life, and even better, you can share with your kids how easily true responsibility benefits them. And don't they deserve your very best? Who knows? You might be helping them to create the perfect relationship leading to the perfect marriage and becoming the perfect parent you thought you would be.

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Len Stauffenger's parents taught him life's simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com

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